Berani kerana Benar, Takut kerana…

There’s a Malay saying that goes: berani kerana benar, takut kerana salah. Rather hard for me to find an English equivalent. But the meaning is this: why would one be afraid if one has no fault? This have been tested true over and over again. Unless you’re extremely good, you would not be able to cover up your naughty acts. After all, how do you defend guilt before truth?

I have kept myself silent when critics condemn and attack me personally. The attacks are either in private or in public. Nonetheless, I keep silent. In fact, rarely will I react to them. I’ve been labeled as anti-Islam, gay, coward, failure, useless, power-hungry, stupid, arrogant etc. etc. But hey, forgive my sins as I forgive those who sinned against me. I believe what goes round, comes round. But fundamentally, I believe in tulah.

What is tulah? I would like to quote An Iban-English Dictionary compiled by Anthony Richards and published by Fajar Bakti in 1981:

tulah. (Ar.) Misfortune, calamity due to ritual misbehaviour; cf. kudi’: t. papah, accursed and bereft; ia nulahka diri’ nyebut nama entua, he brought a curse on himself by uttering the name of his father-in-law.

kudi’. 1. Offended, angered, impatient: ia k. ninga jako’ aku, he was offended by what I said; ia ngudika aku, he made me impatient. 2. Wrath of the gods, Act of God, convulsion of nature, disaster for the community, general calamity resulting from unexpiated sin or blasphemous act: hari k. laban ia ketawaka maiau, there was a great storm because he laughed at the cat; k. hari, dark and stormy weather, incessant heavy rain; batu k., rock of wrath (as place name, representing those who have been turned into stone for offending the gods). Acts offensive to heaven, incl. incest, mocking animals, pointing at the rainbow (bridge between heaven and earth), counting stars, disturbance of tomb. The dire results may be avoided by ceasing the action and paying the ‘fine’ to provide for rites of propitiation. PUNI’ applies to individuals only. BUSONG, JELUNGAN, KALIH, MALI, NUJA.

My interpretation of tulah is based on kudi’ and karma. As a Christian, I cannot believe in this per se. Because I believe in the Almighty who is All-Seeing, All-Knowing and Most-Just, I would like to believe that tulah is comes from Him. It befalls on whoever that wrongs the innocent. The longer its delivery, the more heavier it becomes. I would also like to believe that tulah happens if and when the victim cannot or does not act against the other.

You may ask: what are the connections between all of this?

It lie, my friend, in this post: A Senior’s Entry…

I hold no grudges against her and hers; I see no reason to. But to Aznyda Yaakub, I am a plague which must be destroyed by any means possible. I receive reliable reports of her demeaning me behind my back. And I just smiled. I do not go out and condemn her. Can anyone in the Law Faculty (UiTM Malaysia) show that I dishonour her in any way, especially in public? None can. Why? I have nothing against her.

Why does she hate me so? It goes back to my time in the Secretariat. When I resigned, I wrote a letter using the SMPP letterhead - my resignation letter. It was meant for her and the Representative who appointed me. Dare I mention that the resignation took place while the Students’ Representative Council’s Secretariat was organising the International Humanitarian Law Debate in 2006. Why I resigned? It’s in the letter. Click on the link. And later, my former boss, confronted me. She touched on several issues:-

• Why was the letter written with the SMPP letterhead? My reply: Because I was acting in my official capacity as the Deputy Exco. It was not a private letter.
• Do I think that my conduct is professional? My reply: yes. Read the letter, was it flaming anyone? Furthermore, my resignation was relatively quiet.

Do you remember that, Ms. Aznyda Yaakub, DPP-in-waiting?

Yes, you have the right to express yourself in your blog. Who is stopping you, right? After she read my entry, she proceeded to restrict who can read her blog. How do I know it is her? Simple. WordPress as a feature where I can detect who visited my blog from where and how many. I know which entries are popular, and which entries are not. I also can see which terms were searched in search engines which led to my blog. Furthermore, the restriction which followed. Also the fact that all comments to her blog must be moderated by her. And only she knows the content of the comment - which contained a url to this blog. Kataku dikota, katamu pula, Aznyda? Bagaimana?

If she’s going to demean me, I suggest she do it openly. Why the fear? I meant, you are accusing me based on facts, right Aznyda? Or was it pure hate and lack of professionalism? What is it that you fear? That people who know both of us read what you have to say? Or do you fear people might read what you so proudly boast? Yes, Aznyda, this is a challenge. You have an entry in your blog titled “grow up”. I give you the same advice. Aznyda, grow up. You are a law student who wants to join the Service. Unlike you, I do not spit out the words stupid, hipokrit, bodoh, tak kenang budi, mudah dipengaruhi and other words in your vocabulary which you like to use in conversations and in your blog. I do not believe that anyone can be judge by our standards. Instead, I believe that one should be judge by the standards that one impose onto oneself.

Another thing I did was promote her blog. I don’t mind people promoting my blog. As I write my 100th entry, I am aiming to reach the 600 visitors/month target. I am helping to promote her blog and profile (which were initially available on the Internet via Google). I am a ‘fan’ of her blog. Ye, I read it silently. I should have saved the entries she was so proud to display. (She insists on the importance of showing who you are when commenting on her blog. At first, she would ignore anonymous comments. Then, she allowed it. She insisted it was her blog, so she can damn well write anything in it. Fine by me. I agree!)

When I said ‘Hi’ and smile when we bump into each other, Aznyda, it was a genuine smile and greeting. It was out of respect. The question now is: do you deserve my respect, O dedicated Immediate Past President of the SMPP Law Faculty?

It’s funny students of the Law Faculty are: you never know who your real friends are. Sad enough, you don’t even know who your enemies are. Maybe that’s why I chose the path I am in. I don not wish to disappoint those 400+ who voted for me. But the responsibility now lies with my friends and our Representatives: Mohd. Rafiezi and Zawani. The majority have spoken. We should respect the decision. If you cannot reach them, you can approach the members of the Secretariat. Who are they? There is a poster at Level 5 of the Faculty building. The office is at the Law Faculty Foyer, next to the LawSoc’s office. They are the appropriate people who can handle your grievances, not me. I am just a has-been.

Dear Friend, if you have the time, please visit http://nydablogs.blogspot.com/ (Aznyda Yakub’s I blog to express). Ask permission from the author. She should be given the right to defend herself, even though she denies me that right. It does not matter what I think. You should get her side of the story. After all, berani kerana benar, takut kerana…

Like you said in that entry, Aznyda, what goes round comes round. I firmly believe in it. I must add, pride comes before fall, look before you leap, all good things come to he who waits, as you sow so shall you reap. My favourite, berani kerana benar, takut kerana salah. And remember empty vessel makes the most noise.

I do not like to make enemies, enemies make me their enemies.

I never gave them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it’s hell - Harry S Truman, 1884-1972, 33rd President of the United States [1956].

I do not mean to blow my own horn, after all dogs that bark rarely bite, right? But here’s one thing you should know. The darker side of me. Those who see that side can vouch for this: I can be as kind as the most kindest soul on earth. Giving myself for a good cause. Likewise, I can be cruel - so cruel, that I make Adolph Hitler look like an angel. Reason and faith keeps the other side locked up. But remember, reason and faith has its limit. When you do meet that other side, death would look like salvation to you. Nay! Death to thee shall not befall.

Aznyda, remember, many eyes who come across this blog will see how you look like. Remember, when you complain to others about me also complain to them every single attempted you did against me and recall how many times have I retaliated. This is the first time. With this post, you can be rest assured I hold no grudges against you or anyone else. In fact, I will act as if I never laid eyes on your entry and forget everything you have done against me. But I am warning you, repeat the same mistake, just keep in mind tulah, kudi’ and karma. Remember, you may act nice in front of me and continue defaming me behind my back. More than one set of eyes are watching. Not only the ones on your left and your right, but the One who sent them. Fear Him, not me. Balasan Illahi lebih perit daripada balasan manusia. Read up on dosa-dosa besar. They’re available in Level 2 of PTAR 2 if the ones at Level 3 aren’t sufficient. I let bygones be bygone.

Now, I appologise to you, my regular reader. Instead of focusing on you, as I have begun to do, I embroiled myself in this childish feud. Judge me by the posts that I have written since February 2007. It’s all in the archive. You will see how many changes. As for this matter, unless prompted, is laid to rest. I am not perfect, never claim to have nor will ever be. I am human, I have my limits. Air tenang jangan disangka tiada buaya…